Realization

Another deep post.

I've been going through a lot this week personally. 

I had a big realization this week that in the last 3 years, I've kind of lost myself.

My identity kind of disappeared.

I started thinking back to figure out how all of this happened to me, and I realized that the transition from being a Marine to a stay at home mom has been a rough one for me.

Being a Marine has been my identity for 10 years of my adult life.

It's been a lifestyle that I've embraced, loved, and hated all at the same time. 

I honestly believe that I am who I am today because of my experiences in the Marine Corps.

The Marine Corps shaped and molded my personality, the way I think about things...

I did my "growing up" in the Marines.

It's not a life I want to go back to, but it's a life I sometimes miss.

When I decided that I couldn't wait to get out of the Marine Corps, my mind "checked out" of being a Marine.

I cared less about my job, and I focused more on myself, and my health issues in order to get out. 

I was miserable my last 2 years in the Corps, because I was already thinking about life outside of it.

When I finally got out, it was (what I thought) one of the most happiest days of my life.

I felt like I was free and that the chains of the U.S. Government had been broken off of me.

(Seriously...it's THAT freeing the day you receive you DD-214...discharge paperwork)

I moved across country from my happy place in California to New England to reunite our family after almost a year of being separated.

I remember the first morning that I woke up, and realized it was my "first official day" as a stay at home mom.

I had coffee with my husband, packed his lunch, and sent him on his way to work.

In that moment, it hit me.

Resentment.

"That was MY life. He gets to live MY old life while I sit at home and make paper snowflakes with a 3 year old. He gets to feel important. I have no one to give me awards and medals when I make an awesome paper snowflake with my daughter, or when I make the most amazing mac and cheese ever for lunch!"

My emotions were so conflicted.

I WANTED to be a stay at home mom, and I HATED being a Marine.

After thinking through this feeling I had, I realized that although I was miserable the last 2 years, the 8 years prior to that were some of the best times of my life.

 I had forgotten about all the good times in the midst of being miserable and focusing on life after the Corps.

I tried to push that thought out of my mind, and I just focused on raising our kids and "surviving New England".

I feel like I never got the chance to properly "transition" out of the Marine Corps to this new life of "stay at home motherhood".

I literally got out, went to Texas for 2 weeks, and moved to New England.

I never got the chance to say goodbye to my old life for good to start my new life.

I didn't realize that a part of me was still hanging onto being a Marine, and it was slowly eating away at my heart inside of me. 

One moment that stands out in my mind is when I was filling out paperwork at the doctor's office, and they asked for my occupation.

I started to write "U.S. Marine" ...no wait....what am I? 

Do I write "stay at home mom"...."none"...."home maker"..."Marine wife"....what the hell am I!?

My daughter's birth certificate has my occupation down as U.S. Marine.

My son's....I don't even know. 

I love being home with my kids, and I love being able to raise them.

I know it's an opportunity a lot of mothers don't have, and I am SO thankful that we have the means for me to do this.

But the last 2 years here in New England, I lost a part of myself.

The part of myself that I identified with was no longer a part of my life, and I hadn't fully embraced my new identity.

All of these realizations I had this week have been so "freeing".

I finally get why it's been so tough for me these last 2 years here in New England, and besides the weather...I've been miserable because I wasn't who I wanted to be anymore.

I started counseling on my own to sort through all of this, and it was a breath of fresh air to hear from someone...a professional...that I was normal.

Thank God, right?

I'm normal.

I've made more of an effort this week to connect with some ladies that I've hung out with a few times, but have avoided and dodged play dates with because I didn't want to make friends.

I've woken up to have coffee with my husband every day this week to connect with him.

I think I'm on the right track to saying goodbye to my old life, and hello to my new life.

And since this post is so deep and slightly depressing...

Here are some pics to make you smile (if you're not)...

This is Mattis giving me the "stank eye" because I handed him over to his dad.

I needed a break.

Such a mama's boy!