Realization

Another deep post.

I've been going through a lot this week personally. 

I had a big realization this week that in the last 3 years, I've kind of lost myself.

My identity kind of disappeared.

I started thinking back to figure out how all of this happened to me, and I realized that the transition from being a Marine to a stay at home mom has been a rough one for me.

Being a Marine has been my identity for 10 years of my adult life.

It's been a lifestyle that I've embraced, loved, and hated all at the same time. 

I honestly believe that I am who I am today because of my experiences in the Marine Corps.

The Marine Corps shaped and molded my personality, the way I think about things...

I did my "growing up" in the Marines.

It's not a life I want to go back to, but it's a life I sometimes miss.

When I decided that I couldn't wait to get out of the Marine Corps, my mind "checked out" of being a Marine.

I cared less about my job, and I focused more on myself, and my health issues in order to get out. 

I was miserable my last 2 years in the Corps, because I was already thinking about life outside of it.

When I finally got out, it was (what I thought) one of the most happiest days of my life.

I felt like I was free and that the chains of the U.S. Government had been broken off of me.

(Seriously...it's THAT freeing the day you receive you DD-214...discharge paperwork)

I moved across country from my happy place in California to New England to reunite our family after almost a year of being separated.

I remember the first morning that I woke up, and realized it was my "first official day" as a stay at home mom.

I had coffee with my husband, packed his lunch, and sent him on his way to work.

In that moment, it hit me.

Resentment.

"That was MY life. He gets to live MY old life while I sit at home and make paper snowflakes with a 3 year old. He gets to feel important. I have no one to give me awards and medals when I make an awesome paper snowflake with my daughter, or when I make the most amazing mac and cheese ever for lunch!"

My emotions were so conflicted.

I WANTED to be a stay at home mom, and I HATED being a Marine.

After thinking through this feeling I had, I realized that although I was miserable the last 2 years, the 8 years prior to that were some of the best times of my life.

 I had forgotten about all the good times in the midst of being miserable and focusing on life after the Corps.

I tried to push that thought out of my mind, and I just focused on raising our kids and "surviving New England".

I feel like I never got the chance to properly "transition" out of the Marine Corps to this new life of "stay at home motherhood".

I literally got out, went to Texas for 2 weeks, and moved to New England.

I never got the chance to say goodbye to my old life for good to start my new life.

I didn't realize that a part of me was still hanging onto being a Marine, and it was slowly eating away at my heart inside of me. 

One moment that stands out in my mind is when I was filling out paperwork at the doctor's office, and they asked for my occupation.

I started to write "U.S. Marine" ...no wait....what am I? 

Do I write "stay at home mom"...."none"...."home maker"..."Marine wife"....what the hell am I!?

My daughter's birth certificate has my occupation down as U.S. Marine.

My son's....I don't even know. 

I love being home with my kids, and I love being able to raise them.

I know it's an opportunity a lot of mothers don't have, and I am SO thankful that we have the means for me to do this.

But the last 2 years here in New England, I lost a part of myself.

The part of myself that I identified with was no longer a part of my life, and I hadn't fully embraced my new identity.

All of these realizations I had this week have been so "freeing".

I finally get why it's been so tough for me these last 2 years here in New England, and besides the weather...I've been miserable because I wasn't who I wanted to be anymore.

I started counseling on my own to sort through all of this, and it was a breath of fresh air to hear from someone...a professional...that I was normal.

Thank God, right?

I'm normal.

I've made more of an effort this week to connect with some ladies that I've hung out with a few times, but have avoided and dodged play dates with because I didn't want to make friends.

I've woken up to have coffee with my husband every day this week to connect with him.

I think I'm on the right track to saying goodbye to my old life, and hello to my new life.

And since this post is so deep and slightly depressing...

Here are some pics to make you smile (if you're not)...

This is Mattis giving me the "stank eye" because I handed him over to his dad.

I needed a break.

Such a mama's boy!

 

 

 

Spring Tease

It was 50 degrees out yesterday....and sunny.

Yes, people....50 FREAKING DEGREES!!

Dannika rode her scooter around the neighborhood, and I chased after her with the stroller trying to soak up as much of the sunshine as possible.

It's amazing what a little sunshine can do to boost your mood.

It was nice out on Monday as well, and I decided that I NEEDED to go for a run...alone...without the kids.

Hubby gladly took the kids off my hands when he got home from work so that I could hit the pavement.

Those extra hours of daylight are so nice in times like this!

Oh, did I mention I fell down my stairs 2 weeks ago, and sprained my ankle pretty bad?

It hasn't healed yet, but I HAD to take advantage of the weather.

I probably would have ran on a broken foot just to take advantage of the weather.

Unfortunately, I made my little injury worse.

It's hard to tell in this pic, but my right ankle is swollen.

Nothing a little KT tape can't fix.

Did I ever mention how much I LOVE KT tape?!?!

I use it on my knees, hips, and now....my ankle.

It's like duct tape for athletic injuries.

So with all this nice weather we've been having, I knew it was too good to be true.

Because it's going to rain all day today, and it'll eventually turn into sleet tonight.....

And by tomorrow morning, it's going to be SNOW.

More freaking snow.

It was 50 degrees yesterday, and the high tomorrow is 25. 

Bipolar much?

Also, sleeves are up for the Marines (yay!), but of course it's still freezing cold here in the mornings, and Spring is not quite here yet.

Poor Hubby.

But I must say, I sure did miss looking at the "gun show" all these years when the Corps made the decision to go sleeves down all year long.

I discovered this little place by my house called Jam Time.

It's an indoor play place for kids, and they just opened a few weeks ago.

I took my kids there, and both of them had such a blast.

I couldn't help but wish they would have opened this place sooner....like the beginning of this awful Winter!

This little padded tub thingy was great since my little guy is just starting to sit up on his own.

Every once in a while, he'll tip over, and I don't have to worry about him hurting himself.

Out of ALL the toys, the make believe stations, and playground equipment that this place has, D chooses to spend most of her time playing with the "Princess castle". 

And this "little" guy is officially in a convertible car seat.

We've been meaning to switch him for a while now, but just didn't get around to it.

He was starting to look ridiculous in his carrier.

He's a 20lbs 6 month old, and he just looked awkward in it!

And....he loves it :)

Lastly,

Thank you for all the sweet and encouraging messages and emails about my last couple posts on the challenges my little family is going through.

We are slowly and prayerfully working through it together as a family.

Last night, we seriously just sat on the floor in the kitchen after dinner and dishes and talked for two hours about anything and everything.

We normally turn on the TV at the end of every day to unwind, but we haven't done that this week.

It's made a world of difference in our lives, and I encourage everyone else to try it!

I feel like we should have been doing this a lot more often, and maybe some of the challenges we are going through wouldn't have been as big or even an issue at all.

I forgot how much I love talking to my husband.

While we were just sitting and talking, Dannika was practicing bow hunting for deer season this year.

Happy Hump Day, y'all :)

Just Morning Coffee

It's 5am, and I'm up.

I'm normally never up this early anymore.

I stopped getting up this early when I got out of the Marine Corps.

My weekday mornings normally consist of Nick getting up at 4-430 to go to PT, and I usually sleep in until the first kid wakes up (between 630-7).

But this week, I decided to start waking up with Nick to have a cup of coffee with him in the mornings before he went to work.

I used to do this when I first moved out here and the "newness" of being a stay at home mom was exciting for me.

But then life happened, and I realized being a stay at home mom isn't rainbows and unicorns every day, and I stopped getting up with him in the mornings to have coffee.

It's only Tuesday, but man what a difference those 15 minutes of coffee and conversation in the morning has made in our relationship.

It's not like we have these deep conversations over our morning cup of coffee.

We talk about our day, our plans, about the kids...

This morning, I reminisced about my time in the Marine Corps...

 

I talked about reintegration in my last post.

If it's a term you're not familiar with, it's basically the time it takes for your family to reestablish a routine when your spouse has been gone for a long period of time (and comes back home).

Our family is constantly being ripped apart and put back together over and over and over again...multiple times a year.

It's become so normal for me that when we are put back together, I don't quite know what to do...well I thought I knew...but I don't.

I did figure out this morning though while we were having our "cup of joe" together that I've been forgetting to take time out of my day to connect with my spouse. 

When he's gone, I establish a routine that works for my life without him.

When he returns, my world gets wrecked for a few weeks trying to reestablish a NEW routine that includes him.

Once I reestablish my new "normal", he already has news for me that he's going to be gone again, and I start mentally preparing for another routine that does not include him.

Just typing all of that was exhausting.

You can imagine (if you're not familiar with this lifestyle) how emotionally and mentally exhausting this can be.

So through all this establishing and reestablishing a daily routine with or without my husband, when he comes home, I'm too busy reintegrating him back into our daily life (kids, dinner, etc.) that I totally forgot the part of reconnecting with him as well.

We live in a time of Facetime, Skype, text messaging, and social media.

When hubby is gone, it's easy to communicate with him.

But all that technology is what I consider "false communication".

You can't really connect with someone on a deep level over Facebook or Facetime.

 

I chose the military lifestyle when I was 17 years old, and it was my life for 10 years.

I didn't know that I would fall in love with someone in this lifestyle as well.

I never knew in a million years when I was 17 that I'd ever give up this life to be a stay at home mom and Marine wife.

 

It's crazy.

But for now, I'm starting with "just morning coffee" every morning with the man I love.

 

 

I am also driving to my husband's work once a week (every Monday) to have a lunch date with him and the kids.

Yesterday was our first, and it was awesome.

He took us to this swanky little restaurant called the Eastern Standard.

My son just happened to love their bread...

I had the Eastern Standard chopped salad.

It was divine, and worth every penny.

 

This Life

I often talk about military life on my blog and the challenges that come with it.

It's a unique lifestyle that no other marriage has to endure.

I've always said that I would be as honest and real about my life on this blog as possible.

Especially since I get emails all the time from other military spouses telling me that they love reading about our life, and how we deal with things this life throws at us.

A lot of new and/or young military spouses that are just entering this life have told me how much this blog has helped them.

 

When I look back at my blog, it makes me happy knowing that the majority of my life, marriage, and kids have been blissful.

I've had some rough patches, and bumpy roads, but for the most part, I've endured them.

Nick and I have been married 6 years.

In those 6 years, we have gone through two Afghanistan deployments, the trials of being a dual active duty couple, the headaches of special duty assignments (recruiting and the drill field), multiple separations ranging from 2 weeks to a year, post partum depression, an anxiety disorder I developed because of this life, kids, selling a home, moving across country, etc. etc. etc. etc...the list is long.

I think it's safe for me to say that those 6 years have packed a life that some marriages don't see in 20 years.

It's been our life.

We've had highs and lows. 

We did the best we could to endure them and get through them.

It never occurred to me to look "back" at the lows to see how it was affecting my life NOW.

Looking back, I realized a lot of those "low points" were never quite resolved.

We just tucked them away in our memory, and moved on hoping for the best and hoping for a brighter future.

This weekend, those lows caught up to us.

It caught up to Nick in a way I've never seen him.

We fought.

We argued.

I cried.

I was irrational. 

Thinking now, I realized that our family goes through the "reintegration" process almost every single year that we've been married...and we go through it multiple times a year.

It's not like he goes on one 7 month long deployment, and he's home for a year.

He's gone for just enough time for our family to establish a routine without him, and BAM...he's home, and we have to start the reintegration process.

Then as we start the reintegration process and life starts getting back to normal....he's gone again.

It's like a vicious cycle that never ends.

It caught up to us.

I realized how emotionally tired and exhausted all of this could be.

I learned that my "cool as a cucumber" husband is as "cool as a cucumber" (meaning he never freaks out about anything or shows much emotion) because it's his way of coping with experiences in combat.

My heart and mind are a flurry of emotions this weekend.

I can barely focus.

I feel like a freight train just rocked my perfect and happy little bubble.

But I guess that's the point, and that's life.

I'm just kind of gave everything to God, and my heart's been at peace.

We talked.

We're working on us. 

We're starting with coffee together every morning (at 4am! eek! I haven't gotten up that early since getting out of the Marine Corps myself!).

I'm driving my kids and me into Boston every Monday to have lunch with him.

Just little things you gotta do to reconnect when this life overwhelms you.

I've always said...

No one can understand this life unless you've lived it.

And that's why I'm so thankful for the community of military spouses that I can cry to....complain to...

They. just. get. it.

 

The Mood Booster I Needed

I've been unhappy lately.

I mean, I'm happy...but I'm not.

Does that make any sense?

I'm happy with life and marriage...

 

But this Winter...the snow...the cold...it's really made me depressed.

I've been trying all KINDS of things to brighten my mood a little, and boost those "feel good" endorphins...I work out really hard every day to boost those feel good hormones...to get that "high"....

And while I'll have a good "mood boost" after an amazing sweat session, it's temporary because I have to go outside eventually. 

And I have to realize it's ridiculously cold and the ground is still covered with snow/ice.

But...

Our family received AMAZING news this week.

WE SOLD OUR HOUSE IN CALIFORNIA!

It was JUST what I needed to boost my mood and make me smile.

Our house has been on the market since the holidays.

We had several offers.

We had offers fall through.

We spent a ton of money to fix little things on the house.

(It's amazing how much you find out is wrong with your house when you try to sell it.)

We were paying the mortgage on our house in CA AND rent on the house we currently live in.

The house was sucking our bank account dry the past few months.

It was stressful.

But we ended up selling it for more than what we had asked for, and made a 29% profit on it!

I'd say that's some STELLAR news!

This was our family's first home.

It was a small, modest town house in South Orange County that cost a small fortune for us...lol.

It was the home we brought our daughter home to from the hospital.

 It was the home we made so many memories in attempting DIY projects to save money.

 Those projects that my hubby insisted would only take "a day or two" that would take him a week...

 Or the ones he said would take a week that would take him months....lol

 It was OUR home, and the first big decision as a married couple that we made together when we bought it.

It's a little bittersweet to let go of it.

I hope the new young couple that just bought it will enjoy all the headaches that come with it because those headaches of home ownership will turn into lasting memories.

And one last thing that's put a little pep in my step...

Our family is going back to the OC for one glorious week at the end of the month for Spring Break and my 30TH BIRTHDAY!

I'm hoping we get a photo like the one above while we are there with our extra family member that we've acquired since leaving the beautiful and sunny California.

I can't wait to see my best friend, feel sand beneath my feet, eat some amazing Mexican food, and soak up every bit of Vitamin D I can.

My husband may be coming back to New England alone....